Can it be that we are all conservatives for a particular cause? WHy limit it to business/commerce? Doesn't everyone want someone's particular hands off something? Doesn't eveyone so love some particular thing or idea so much that nothing should be put in the way of it. Athiests want the theist's religion off of their so called reality. Religions want themselves free to practice without intervention from the state or other religions (and certainly want to be free of the athiest's annoying sniping.) In some way everyone wants some aspect of their lives to be free of the control or influence of some other thing. And indeed, it can be said that everyone also wants some part of life controlled and governed by some external force, be it military, civil, physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual.

Everybody has some growing up to do.

These last few weeks have brought on the concrete realization that I have a good deal of anxiety but it has taken very long to understand this.

The major result of this anxiety is the pausing and slowing down of everything I try to achieve. SO this is what we're working on now. Partly the challenge is more excercise, but even that falls pray to the machinations of the anxietal response. So rather than continue for years trying on my own to understand this I have decided to start seeing a counselor. Also, medication is being considered, although it is not clear if this is needed. But something is needed if I wish to reach my goal for next year.

Man, what passes for debate in the comment sections of articles and videos is mostly just a display of untreated mental illness. No humility, no consideration in larger contexts, slander, surety without factual basis, factionalism, violent words, provocations, etc.

Reasonable words are usually ignored, or belittled.

Lots of people are driving their own cars, looking for their destination as they go. Some know where they want to go and have a good route. Others are lost and keep driving in circles, afraid to try something different because they forgot where they made a wrong turn long ago. They go around the block a thousand times thinking that "it must be here somewhere". Others go randomly, following whims and signs and cues that have no good purpose.

Some have chosen to drive busses. THey know how to drive and have taken the responsibility to get people to their true destination. The best ones know how to navigate the tricky streets without straying. The passengers who stick with them get to the end safely.

Traviling the path of holiness is similar to this metaphor. What is your desired destination? Do you know the way? Maybe you should ride the bus for awhile! Maybe you will need to walk for awhile until you can reach the bus stop. Maybe you will need to wait for a different bus to come your way. Maybe you will have to transfer. Maybe you should learn how to drive from the Master.

A long time has passed since any substantive entry. Sorry. Livejournal is still cool.

I am gratetful to have such great neighbors and friends and clergy here in Bloomington. THey have been so supportive and generous when I have wandered into new territory in my life.

The theme of the last couple months has been an onslaught of activity. Just when I was getting some momentum going on my vocation fundraiser, I was besieged with all kinds of challenges from the outside. Old neighbor's health problems, travel, food-poisoning, more travel. Overtime at work, too. It's like trying to climb a parabola! But if I can just keep moving forward, then perhaps this path will get so close to the asymtote that I can make the jump from laity to vowed religious.

Ok, so it's been awhile since I've posted here in my journal. I continue to move forward at my own slow pace towards the monastery. A thought occured to me that it's sort of like creeping silently toward it so as not to awake and excite too many ornery beasts in the forest before I reach the doors. I made some good progress a couple of weeks ago, but I was met rather quickly by distractions from a mentally ill former neighbor, and food poisoning, which took a chunk of time out of my quest. Plus other worries and missteps....

So today, I enjoyed my only day off by going to the movies and going to Mass. I saw Terminator: Salvation today, and Star Trek yesterday. I also played some Guitar Hero.

THere are a million quotes by this man whose work has been neglected for too long. Here's one for now:

The whole modern world has divided itself into Conservatives and Progressives. The business of Progressives is to go on making mistakes. The business of the Conservatives is to prevent the mistakes from being corrected.
-G.K.Chesterton

These are my primary engagements outside of work these days:
Push-ups and Pull-ups, Guitar Hero III, Knitting, and walking. The internet still takes an inordinate amount of time, but maybe I am more productive in using it...
THe effect of these activitiies has been to increase my concentration and stimulate my brain. It's a re-awakening of sorts, which I hope will be ongoing.

THe lesson of all this is to keep playing. There is a huge play-deficit to catchup on, in such a thing exists...

I recently purchased an audiobook: THe COnfessions Of Saint Augustine.

I listen to it intently while knitting. From those first early chapters, I am on 16 presently, I can see that there is a reason the Saint Augustine has been a factor in my return to the Catholc Church. Indeed, without truly ever having read anything of his but instead I blurb from a "Saint of the Day" reflection, I have felt a kinship of a sort. This holy man has been my escort, simply by his own life path.

One's physical surroundings and basic way of life ought to be arranged so that one isn't constantly required to attend to it for basic survival. This way, one can pay more attention to the higher, broader reality. This is why healthy community is so vitial to human existance. It is why we have an obligation to learn, share and pass on to our chldren and others the knowledge, Truth, and the way to live in society and according to how the whole of life on this planet lives. To neglect this is to invite disaster and even death upon us. In healthy, whole (and Holy) living, everything we need is provided, we are all providing for each other and allowing every living thing to live and produce the things which benefit every other thing. We get to this way of life by science and the wisdom in our religions, also by our private reflections refined in contemplation and prayer. It is three elements. If any one of them is missing, those whole system will collapse. But when all three work together, then our lives are lived in the fullest way possible.

What good is a truth is if it not learned, shared and passed down through generations?

I had quite a connected moment today. First of all, I am at the monastery for a 5 day programmed visit. Today, we had a lecture on Lectio Divina by someone who is a giant in the world of theology. His style is rapid fire, making all sorts of connections. The pace of it grabbed me and I was right there with it all. Afterwords, I was so wired and inspired by it! I was walking to the church for Vespers and was awestruck by the sunset. The person I was walking with stopped, too, and we had a little reverie about this beauty. Then, I went inside the church and the stained glass windows on that side were illuminated in a great light. One of the windows was of Saint Stephen. Saint Stephen was martyred by stoning after an awesome monologue in which he finished by saying: "Behold, I see the heavens opened and the Son of man standing on the right hand of God." The window had him holding stones in one arm and also a palm branch in the other. Above him was the hand of Grace pointing down toward him. Now when Jesus came to Jerusalem before the passion, people waved palm branches as he rode into town. I looked outside and saw the continuing sunset. THe sky was gorgeous blue and the clouds were orange. Opposite colors. During the Ascension, Jesus ascends to heaven, but then clouds obscure him from view. In Zen Buddhism, we want to achieve clear mind, clear like blue sky. Thoughts are seen as clouds in the sky, obscuring clear mind. Thoughts are contrary (opposite) to clear mind. Saint Stephen saw past the clouds!

Dear Saint Stephen, you saw through to the truth, said it and paid with your life. May I have that kind of courage!

"There is no humiliation in retracing one's steps when one has wandered down a mistaken road because of long-forgotten personal quarrels."

THese were taken from an article on the Great Schism between east and west in the church in New Advent.org

On Thursday, I went to St John the Apostle Catholic chuch in Ellettsville. I felt there was something saying for me to go there. THe priest there, Fr. Mike, wanted to see an old prayer book I had. It's 100 years old and I wanted to show it to him. But I felt I had to go there that evening. Fr. Mike didn't preside, but there was a Fransiscan priest (I think) who did the Mass. It wasn't what I was used to. He gave a long sermon and did the eucharistic prayed in Latin.

The sermon talked about the violence we often visit on ourselves to gain our salvation by fighting the acedia that arises in the spiritual life. He mentioned Saint Augustine, and several other things which made it like a personal message for me. Curse my fading memory of it and the cloudiness surrounding my thoughts, but that was something to think about.

Another dream I had involved the disruption of my entire world. In it, the government dropped bombs everywhere in an effort to stimulate rebuilding and probably economic growth. Must have been the Neoconservatives (children of evil!). Anyways, aftewards the basic skeletal remain stood, but everything else was disordered. I could only run around yelling and crying, asking why it had to be done this way. Soon, "contractors" appeared to being the clean up, but all I could ask was why have thrown out all we've worked for in order to go forward? I saw my college guitar teacher later in the dream when I came accross a bowling alley in Chicago.

Dreams and THoughts. How can I say what I think?

My dreams and contemplations have centered around if I am headed down the right vocational path. Perhaps it is the devil's distractions, but there has been a lot of destruction and aftermath going on inside and outside. Just now, I thought about how I might need to go on a road trip to visit some of this country's best places. Maybe it's frivolity. But I could load up the VW with a varitey of healthy bulk foods that don't need much cooking and head south for the winter. Go east and west, you know? Then work up the Latitudes to as the months pass. Big catch: no money but a credit card and too many obligations. Chains and shackles. I used to dream about crossing big industrial drawbridges. And always the bridge would raise when I was on it. Then I was hanging from the steel structure way above the water or wasteland below. I had these dreams from early chilhood well into my college years. Never got across the bridges: the dreams always ended with me clinging for dear life in some very unfortunate positions. I figured in I just held on long enough the bridge would come to rest again. But I never got to that point. In college I actually crossed the bridge once, but I was going very fast on bike or flying. On the other side of the bridge was just more city, not quite as crowded as where I was, but still city nonetheless. I crossed several more times, usually by just not holding on and diving into the water below. But then what was the bridge for? Maybe I should take up swimming... After those crossings, the dreams about the bridges stopped. Seems like these days the bridges are too dangerous. When they were better maintained people could cross a little easier if they wanted to. Now you've got find a different way or keep looking for that rare bridge in order to cross. I hope Obama gets those bridges rebuilt, at least metaphorically. I haven't given up on trying to cross the brigdes but it seems I've gotten too good at hanging on, with all sorts of chains and shackles. Seems like I'm caught dangling. How does one, dangling from a chain, upside down, get to where they can release and go forwards. I've got the tenous grip on a job. If I can hold long enough, perhaps I can cut through the chain so that I can climb down. But from where I'm at, it's going to be a long time.

Mercilously persecute hippocracy within yourself.

Recently, I acquired a loaf of Texas toast bread from a neighbor in gratitude for some help I provided them in a time of need. I made some french toast this morning with this bread. I had to make a substitution, though, since I don't have any cow's milk in the house. Nor did I have any vanilla extract or cinnamon of nutmeg. Here's the recipe.

• 4 slices of bread
  
• 2 eggs
  
• vanilla flavor almond milk, approximately 1/2-2/3 cup
  

Mix the eggs with the milk. Preheat a skillet oiled with butter or cooking spray on medium heat. Dip the bread, one slice at a time, into the mixture so that both side are saturated and place onto the skillet. Cook until sufficiently browned.

Eat plain or with whatever topping you like.

The way in, the way to regain that focus, the way to think deeply again, the way back to that intensity of the younger years, with all of it's imagination and vision, is though the Rosary in all it's many forms. Litanies are also good. And to energize our minds and bodies to this quest, excercise, unfortunately (to me, at least), is the only way.

The perfect snack is a hot dog.